ALLJOKESBOOK

Champagne of Draft Beer? Carl was talking to a girl in a New York City bar. He asked, "Can I get you a drink?" The girl replied, "Certainly." Carl then asked, "What would you like?" The girl said, "Champagne." Carl then asked, "Why Champagne?" The girl replied, "Because when I drink champagne I imagine I am a goddess on the Nile, draped in a long robe, relaxing peacefully, with servants fanning me and dropping peeled grapes into my mouth." Curious, Carl asked her, "What if I just buy you a draft beer?" The girl replied, "I'll cut wet farts all night."

Two Timing Wife Dave was feeling depressed, and his best friend Keith decided to take Dave to the Pub, to try and cheer him up. He asked Dave what was it that was troubling him, but Dave didn't want to talk about it. So they sat there getting slowly pissed. Keith matched Dave drink for drink, trying to get him to talk about what was troubling him. Gentle prodding was ignored until finally, after downing the sixth, Dave blurted out, "OK, it's your wife." "My wife?" his Keith demanded. "What about my wife?" "I think she's cheating on us."

Problem Solving Ever since Rob was a child, he had a fear of someone under his bed at night. So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," Rob said. Six months later he met the Psychiatrist on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV." "Is that...

Falling-Down Drunk A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar, "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home." The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and they stumble up the steps to his house the drunk almost having to be carried. The drunk's wife greets them at the door, "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

X-mas Driving WARNING A warning to all you drivers at Christmas A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a Bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from....

Cocktail For Big Ideas "What's that drink you're mixing" the stranger asked the bartender in the upscale Tex-Mex bar. "I call it a lil' Texas Shooter", said the bartender as he continued to mix up several batches of the drink. "What's in it ?" asked the stranger. "Sugar, milk and rum." said the barkeep. "Is it good ?" asked the man. "Sure is senor." said the bartender smiling. "The sugar gives you pep, and the milk gives you plenty of energy." "And the rum?" asked the stranger. "Hell man. That gives ya plenty of ideas what to do with all that pep and energy." quipped the bartender.

Champagne of Draft Beer? Carl was talking to a girl in a New York City bar. He asked, "Can I get you a drink?" The girl replied, "Certainly." Carl then asked, "What would you like?" The girl said, "Champagne." Carl then asked, "Why Champagne?" The girl replied, "Because when I drink champagne I imagine I am a goddess on the Nile, draped in a long robe, relaxing peacefully, with servants fanning me and dropping peeled grapes into my mouth." Curious, Carl asked her, "What if I just buy you a draft beer?" The girl replied, "I'll cut wet farts all night."

Free Drinks! A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him that he owes $10. "But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer. "OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did." The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep again replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did." The customer then heads outside and tells a friend how he too can get free drinks. The third man hurries in and begins to drink highballs. The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the balls..." The man inter...