ALLJOKESBOOK

    Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Will Power Marty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally quit smoking. "Imagine that, Marty," she says, "someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don't have." But Sadie hadn't finished. "And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another example of the kind of will power that you don't have." "OK, Sadie," said Marty, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman." Marty keeps to his word. One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door. Marty shouts out,...

Loving Wife John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door, his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately. "My goodness," said Peter, "and how long have you been married?" "22 years", replied John. "You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years." "Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."

Diwali Shopping with Wife Husband and wife went Deepavali shopping to get new sarees for the wife. After seeing numerous sarees, she shortlisted around 100 and further brought it down to 25. Out of these, she asked her husband to choose 5 sarees among them. Then she finally picked up one saree. It took 5 hours to finalise one saree. The husband settled the bill and commented, "Adam was very lucky. Because he and Eve used to wear only leaves. He need not have wasted too much of time." Ultimate comment of wife, "Who knows how many trees Adam had to climb and finally choose the leaves as per the wish of Eve...? You are lucky. You have to just sit in AC shop ...!!" Moral : Never argue with wife while shopping.

Ex-Wife! Joe finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.` Joe got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?" He replied, "There, for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!" Joe replied, "I wasn't."

Mind Your Own Business A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! "Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! "Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!!!"

Getting Married With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight." As expected, the wife wasn't happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening. His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!" The husband said, "I know all that." The wife looked on at him with incredulity. She wondered when she would ever get a little peace. "Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife. The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."

Speech Impediment Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other, "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?" "Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away." "Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?" "It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy. "What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow. "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!" "Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say, 'NO'!!"

Dealing With Bad Temper A woman goes to the doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The doctor asks, "What's the problem?" The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The doctor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." Two weeks later, the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The doctor says, "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

A Life To Be Envied Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda for a few hours and relax. "In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis... "When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again." The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She asked, "What's his wife's name?" Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."

Something Fishy!!! A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up. And please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?" The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....